Conjuring Works

"Conjuring Works" - an Elizabethan comedy sketch in two scenes.
     (adapted from "Doctor Faustus" by Christopher Marlowe.)

Cast:
       (in both scenes)
     ROBIN, a stable-hand (70ish lines)
     DICK, his assistant (30ish lines)

       (in second scene only)
     The VINTNER, a publican (15 lines)
     MEPHISTOPHILES, a demon (12 lines)


-- [first scene: a field]


          [Enter ROBIN, with a book in his hand.]

     ROBIN. O, this is admirable! Here I ha' stolen one of Doctor
     Faustus' conjuring-books, and, i'faith, I mean to search some
     circles for my own use. Now will I make all the maidens in our
     parish dance at my pleasure, stark naked, before me; and so
     by that means I shall see more than e'er I felt or saw yet.

     DICK. [off] Robin, prithee, come away; there's a gentleman tarries
     to have his horse, and he would have his things rubbed and made
     clean. He keeps such a chafing with the mistress about it, and
     she has sent me to look thee out: prithee, come away!

     ROBIN. What, Dick? Look to the horses there, till I come again.
     I have gotten one of Doctor Faustus' conjuring-books; and now
     we'll have such knavery as't passes.

          [Enter DICK.]

     DICK. What? Robin, you must come away and walk the horses.

     ROBIN. I walk the horses! I scorn't, faith: I have other
     matters in hand; let the horses walk themselves, if they will.
     [reads] A, per se: A;.. T-H-E: that's THE;.. O, per se: O;
     Demi, orgon, gorgon.. [realises DICK is looking over his shoulder]
     Keep further from me, O thou illiterate and unlearned 'ostler!

     DICK. 'Snails, what hast thou got there? A book! Why, thou canst
     not tell ne'er a word on't.

     ROBIN. Keep out, keep out, or else you are blown up, you are
     dismembered, Dick! Keep out, for I am about a roaring piece of work.

     DICK. Come, what doest thou with that same book? Thou canst not read.

     ROBIN. Yes, the master and mistress shall find that I can read: he
     for his forehead [=he'll be jealous], she for her private study [=she
     won't menstruate]. She's born to bear with me, or else my art fails.

     DICK. Why, Robin, what book is that?

     ROBIN. What book? Why, the most intolerable book for conjuring
     that e'er was invented by any brimstone devil.

     DICK. Canst thou conjure with it?

     ROBIN. [drawing a circle on the ground] That thou shalt see presently.
     Keep out of the circle, I say, lest I send you into the 'ostry with a
     vengeance.

     DICK. [sarcastic] That's like, faith! You had best leave your foolery,
     for, if the master come, he'll conjure you, i'faith.

     ROBIN. My master conjure me! I'll tell thee what: if the master
     come here, I'll clap as fair a pair of horns on's head as
     e'er thou sawest in thy life.

     DICK. Thou need'st not do that, for the mistress hath done it. But,
     I prithee, tell me in good sadness, Robin, is that a conjuring-book?

     ROBIN. Ay. I can do all these things easily with it: first, I can
     make thee drunk with hippocras at any tavern in Europe for nothing;
     that's one of my conjuring works.

     DICK. Our Master Parson says that's nothing.
     [=over-drinking and non-payment is rife anyway]

     ROBIN. True, Dick, and more, Dick, if thou hast any mind to
     Nancy Spit, our kitchen-maid, then turn her and wind her
     to thy own use, as often as thou wilt, and at midnight.

     DICK. O, brave, Robin! Shall I have Nan Spit, and to mine own use?
     On that condition I'll feed thy devil with horse-bread as long
     as he lives, of free cost.

     ROBIN. No more, sweet Dick: Do but speak what thou'lt have me to do,
     and I'll do't: if thou'lt dance naked, put off thy clothes, and I'll
     conjure thee about presently; or, if thou'lt go but to the tavern
     with me, I'll give thee white wine, red wine, claret-wine, sack,
     muscadine, malmsey, and whippincrust..
     [presses hand to stomach] hold, belly, hold
     ..and we'll not pay one penny for it.

     DICK. O, brave! Prithee, let's to it presently, for I am as
     dry as a dog.

     ROBIN. Come, then, let's away. Let's go and make clean our boots,
     which lie foul upon our hands, and then to our conjuring in the
     devil's name.

          [Exeunt.]


-- [second scene: another field, later]


          [Enter ROBIN reading a book and DICK with a silver goblet.]

     ROBIN. Come, Dick: did not I tell thee, we were forever made
     by this Doctor Faustus' book?

     DICK. Sirrah Robin, we were best look that your devil can answer
     the stealing of this same cup, for the Vintner's boy follows
     us at the hard heels.

     ROBIN. [of the book] Here's a simple purchase for horse-keepers;
     our horses shall eat no hay as long as this lasts.

     DICK. But, Robin, here comes the Vintner.

     ROBIN. 'Tis no matter; let him come: if he follow us, I'll so
     conjure him as he was never conjured in his life, I warrant him.
     [closes book] Let me see the cup.

     DICK. Here 'tis. [Gives the goblet to ROBIN.] Yonder he comes!
     Now, Robin, now or never show thy cunning.

     ROBIN. Hush! [Hides goblet.] I'll gull him supernaturally.

          [Enter VINTNER.]

     Drawer, I hope all is paid; God be with you!--Come, Dick.

     VINTNER. Soft, sir; a word with you. I must yet have a goblet paid
     from you, ere you go.

     ROBIN. I a goblet, Dick, I a goblet! I scorn you; and you are
     but a slanderer. I a goblet!

     VINTNER. [sarcastic] You are a couple of fine companions.
     Pray, where's the cup you stole from the tavern?

     ROBIN. How, how? We steal a cup?! Take heed what you say: we look
     not like cup-stealers, I can tell you.

     VINTNER. Never deny't, for I know you have it; and I'll search you.

     ROBIN. Search me, ay, and spare not.

     VINTNER. I mean so, sir, with your favour.

     ROBIN. Come, come, search me, search me hither.

          [VINTNER searches ROBIN from feet; ROBIN throws goblet to DICK.]

     How say you now?

     VINTNER. I must say somewhat to your fellow. [to DICK] You, sir!
     Come on, sirrah, let me search you now.

     DICK. Me, sir? Me, sir? Search your fill.

          [VINTNER searches DICK from feet; DICK throws goblet to ROBIN.]

     I fear not your searching: we scorn to steal your cups, I can
     tell you.

          [VINTNER finishes searching DICK.]

     Now, sir, you may be ashamed to burden honest men with a matter
     of truth.

     VINTNER. [less sure] Well, one of you hath this goblet about you.

     ROBIN. Sirrah you, I'll teach you to impeach honest men; stand by:
     I'll scour you for a goblet.

     VINTNER. [angrily] Never out-face me for the matter; for, sure, the
     cup is between you two.

     ROBIN. Nay, there you lie: [holds goblet ahead] 'tis beyond us both.

     VINTNER. A plague take you! I thought 'twas your knavery to take
     it away: Come, give it me again.

     ROBIN. Stand aside you had best, I charge you in the name of Beelzebub.
     Look to the goblet, Dick. [Throws goblet to DICK and opens book.]

     VINTNER. [to ROBIN] What mean you, sirrah?

     ROBIN. I'll tell you what I mean.--Dick, make me a circle, and stand
     close at my back, and stir not for thy life. [DICK makes a circle etc]
     Vintner, [threatens] you shall have your cup anon!--Say nothing, Dick.
     [Reads from book] O per se, O; Demogorgon; Belcher, and Mephistophiles!

          [Squibs. Enter MEPHISTOPHILES. ROBIN and DICK cry and run about.]

     VINTNER. [crossing himself] O, nomine Domini! [=By name of our lord!]

          [VINTNER falls to knees and begins praying.]

     DICK. Peccatum peccatorum!--Here's thy goblet, good Vintner. [Drops
     goblet near VINTNER]

     ROBIN. Misericordia pro nobis! What shall I do? Good devil, forgive
     me now, [kneels, offering book] and I'll never rob thy library more.

     MEPHIST. Monarch of Hell, under whose black survey
     Great potentates do kneel with awful fear,
     Upon whose altars thousand souls do lie,
     How am I vexed with these villains' charms?
     From Constantinople am I hither come,
     Only for pleasure of [taking book, contemptuous] these damned slaves.

     ROBIN. How, from Constantinople?! You have had a great journey: will
     you take sixpence in your purse to pay for your supper, and be gone?
     [Stands and reaches into pocket for money.]

     DICK. [already kneeling, prostrates himself] Ay, I pray you heartily,
     sir; for we called you but in jest, I promise you.

     MEPHIST. [ignoring money] To purge the rashness of this cursed deed,
     First, [to ROBIN] be thou turn'd awhile this ugly shape:
     For apish deeds transformed to an ape!

          [ROBIN takes the stance of an ape; DICK kneels, praying.]

     ROBIN. How, into an ape! That's brave: I'll have fine sport with
     the boys; I'll get nuts and apples enough.

     MEPHIST. [to DICK, ie ignoring VINTNER] Be thou transformed to a dog!

          [DICK takes the stance of a dog. DICK barks and ROBIN whoops.]

     [to each] Away! Be gone!

     DICK. A dog! That's excellent: let the maids look well to their
     porridge-pots, for I'll into the kitchen presently.

     ROBIN. Come, Dick, come.

          [Exit ROBIN and DICK as animals.]

     MEPHIST. Now with the fire of ever-burning flame
     I'll wing myself, and forthwith fly again.

          [Squibs. Exit MEPHIST.]

          [VINTNER looks up and about, grabs goblet, exits.]


-- [end]